December
by sparklylulz
Summary: She didn't say anything and neither did he, because he didn't know how to say everything he needed to tell her. There were so many things left unsaid, loose ends that had never been tied up. -St. Berry


**A/N: I'm back into a Jesse/Rachel kick. I miss J. Groff so much :( but anyways, this incorporates Taylor Swift's new single 'Back to December' which is SO JESSE OMG. I know that this time line is way off, just ignore it, k? Good, here's some St. Berry for you faithful shippers out there.  
**

–

_**'december'**_

**jesse/rachel**

–

'_I'm so glad you made time to see me.  
How's life, tell me how's your family?  
I haven't seen them in a while.  
You've been good, busier then ever.  
We small talk, work and the weather  
Your guard is up and I know why_'

He saw her before she actually made her way into the crowded but cozy cafe. It was cold outside, almost Christmas in New York City. She wasn't all that different, she was still short, still beautiful, and still not his. Her reaction at seeing him was neutral but when it came to her that meant she was guarding herself, and he couldn't fault her for that.

"Hey." He said simply as she sat in front of him, her hair pulled away from her soft skinned face and a small smile on her face. It seemed like so long since he had seen her, what was it, four, five years maybe now?

She wasn't a lost teenager anymore. A woman sat in front of him, a woman that he would have given anything to have known. He watched her order her favorite drink, showing him that her old habits hadn't really ever changed.

"Hello, Jesse." She said finally, a small polite smile on her face, as she looked him full in the face. He could see pain in her eyes but chose not to comment on it.

"How've you been?" He asked, genuinely wanting to know. She was surely happy now, she had escaped that hell hole of Lima and was a star in New York City, all they had ever dreamed about. For him, somehow though, it didn't really mean as much as he thought it would.

"Pretty good. I'm sure you have been too. Roger in RENT, that's huge." She said appraisingly, and he could tell she actually meant it. It was huge, it was his dream roll, but in a way it was the second dream in his life. He had given his first up nearly five years ago.

"Hey, don't sell yourself short, Miss Elphaba." He grinned at her, "Sure it's not _Funny Girl_, but it's still astounding." She blushed then and he found the beauty of it indescribable. He could see her painted in green, hitting that high F she loved so much. The thought made his heart swell.

"I know, I never really thought I'd do Wicked, but it just sort of felt... _right_. Does that make sense?" She wasn't ask talkative as she had once been, she had calmed down a lot over the years, which made him feel an ache of sadness knowing he was partly to blame.

"Yeah, it does. How're your dads?" He asked, he missed her fathers, they were funny guys, and had always like him. He supposed that had changed by now. Rachel looked down at her hands, a glimmer of grief passing through her eyes.

"Dad passed away last year. Cancer." She said gently and he felt his breath catch. Rachel's whole world was her dads. She loved them more than anything, and it had surely broken her in a way that would never mend.

"Oh... Rachel, I am so sorry. Do you.. do you talk to Shelby at all?" He asked riskily, considering that had been the whole reason for the mess he had gotten himself into when it came to her.

She looked up at him and shook her head, "I know she and Quinn talk a little, I mean Beth knows who Quinn is, but as far as Shelby and I, no. She sends me a Christmas card sometimes." She said gently, looking out at the frosty December morning.

"You wanna.. get out of here?" He asked, knowing that she would be reluctant. She didn't trust him anymore, and probably never would.

Sure enough, she paused, looking up at his face. Then she nodded, "That'd be nice." She spoke cautiously and he smiled brightly, as he stood and held a hand out to help her up.

'_Cause the last time you saw me  
Is still burned in the back of your mind.  
You gave me roses and I left them there to die._'

She walked next to him as they entered Central Park, which was crowded because of the season and just because it was Central Park. She didn't say anything and neither did he, because he didn't know how to say everything he needed to tell her. There were so many things left unsaid, loose ends that had never been tied up.

He had broken an egg on her face last time they had been together. How was he supposed to say sorry and have her believe him? She had loved him, given her all to him, and he had broken her because he was stupid and selfish and conceited. How could he make her see that he isn't that stupid asshole of a teenager anymore?

She looked at him in that moment and pointed to the ice skating rink, and he understood. She loved ice skating, and in true Rachel Berry fashion, she was perfect at it. Then again, so was he. So he bought two pairs of skates for them and watched the look of concentration that flickered across her face as she looked at him.

He knew he had to set things straight.

_'These days I haven't been sleeping  
Staying up playing back myself leaving,  
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.  
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times  
I watched you laughing from the passenger side  
Realized that I loved you in the fall.  
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.  
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye_'

She walked out onto the ice in front of him and he followed her, watching her with wonder in his eyes. How could he have ever thought he could survive without her laughter and crazy stories and huge vocabulary? He pushed himself forward and watched as a small girl bumped Rachel causing her to spin out of control.

His arms wrapped around her small waist easily and he stabled her effortlessly, she looked up at him a smile on her face. "Thank you, Jesse." She smiled, listening to the song playing over the sound system. He noticed her listening. "You wanna dance with me, Rachel?" He asked, and he knew she would say yes before the tiny nod that she gave him.

Suddenly they were twirling on the ice and she was singing along to the music and he was joining in when necessary. _'I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about you,' _She sang softly. _'It's Friday I'm in love._' He sang back pushing her across the ice.

"I almost called you, last week, for your birthday." He offered up finally and she looked at him surprised, "But I figured I was one of the last people you would want to hear from." He spoke with a tone of melancholy even if it was the truth.

"It's sort of crazy, because it's been almost five years since we've seen each other." He started, laughing a little, "Well, I saw you once at a book store in Toledo, but I hid because I didn't want to upset you." He looked at her intently for a moment, "You were with Finn. I heard he was signed to the Colts." He spoked, "I thought he was terrible at football?" He laughed and was a little surprised to hear her laughing with him.

"He was awful, but something happened in college, according to Santana, and he just became a super star." She offered in response. He looked at her for a moment before asking, "Oh. So they're... a thing?" He was afraid to upset her, but she just shrugged.

"I think they're married now, I'm not really sure. They hit it off after we broke up senior year and things kind of snow balled when they went to OSU. I think Finn needs someone like Santana to keep him on track." She said reflectively, "I always got lost in his puppy eyes and could never be tough enough on him." She smiled.

"What about Brittany? I thought they were like lesbian lovers." He was a little confused, not that he really ever got to know many of the gleeks, they weren't exactly thrilled with his presence in their sacred club.

Rachel laughed again at that as she spun on the ice once more, "She's living with Artie. Turns out she really did have a thing for him." She laughed even harder at Jesse's unattractive flabbergasted expression. "We all thought it was a joke, turns out she loves him, and doesn't mind being on top."

"But what's happening with you?" She asked in a suddenly serious voice, "You look exhausted." She sounded concerned as she traced the black rings under his beautiful blue eyes. He sighed as they walked off the ice to put their shoes back on and returned to the path that wove around and through the beautiful park.

"I'm... just tired of being Jesse St. James." He said finally, voicing something that he had never allowed himself to say to someone before, "I wanna go back to being just Jesse." He said, looking over at her, and she nodded.

"Well... when was the last time you were just Jesse?" She asked, looking up at him, and he felt like she probably already knew the answer but he still gave it to her as he looked into her dark eyes feeling nervous.

"Those two months I spent with you in my senior year of high school." He spoke softly, watching as her face became a mask of confusion. "I remember the hot days on the weekends when you'd let me drive you to the lake for a picnic an a little singing. I remember the way you thought that just because you were the passenger you got to dictate the music selection." He smiled sadly at her.

"It's because AC/DC wasn't what I deemed romantic or poetic. Nothing compared to Sinatra." She voiced confidently, causing him to grin at her and shake his head at her obviously crazy talk.

"I remember when it was fall and we carved a pumpkin and when you came to me in a dark library and told me you wanted to have sex when I knew you weren't ready, because you deserved epic romance." He said, his tone more sad than before as she blushed a little, "I fell in love with you the moment you told me you weren't." He said quickly and she stopped walking, while he braced himself for impact.

"Why... why that moment?" She stammered looking at him with so much vulnerability that it broke his heart.

"Because you were so beautiful and strong to say what you believed, taking control of your body. You were different than all the other girls who ever wanted me because you said no to me. That's why I came to McKinley, not because Shelby asked me to." He said earnestly, willing her to believe him. She didn't say anything so he decided to plunge recklessly on.

"When the time came for Regionals, I didn't want to leave you, but I didn't really have a choice. I had a scholarship because of Vocal Adrenaline. It was stupid to not just tell you, but the team would have never taken me back if I hadn't ended it, but things got... out of hand." He swallowed, but he saw her go red.

"Out of hand? Jesse, you egged me, and smashed a egg on my head." She stated incredulously. "Why couldn't you toilet paper my house or just say rude things about me on Facebook?" She asked, pain seeping into her voice.

"Because I knew that if I let you down easy I would be tempted to go back to you, and that wouldn't have been good for either of us, I was leaving and you would have been miserable. I was an ass." He said, twisting his hands.

She looked at him and finally asked her biggest question, "Why are you telling me this now, Jesse, after five years?"

_'So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.  
And I go back to December all the time.  
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,  
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.  
I go back to December all the time'_

He looked at her before sitting on a bench near them and putting his head in his hands. She followed him, sitting down carefully to his right, her eyes lit up with confusion, hurt, and pity. He didn't want her to pity him.

"This is me saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was an ass." He said truthfully, "I'm not gonna sit in front of you here and say that it was part of my initiation back to Vocal Adrenaline, or that it was for your own good. Those things would be lies and I don't wanna lie to you anymore, Rachel. It was because I was selfish and stupid and I would give absolutely anything to get rid of that moment." He felt tears in his eyes as she just watched him speak to her, hatred in his voice.

"I thought that when I went to UCLA I might be able to forget what I'd done to you. I'd find a nice girl and we'd be happy. But I compared every girl I met to you, and none of them were you so I didn't want them." He said with a sad chuckle, "Turns out that I spent four years just missing the high school girl I had left with an egg cracked on her forehead and my old jacket."

She looked at him intently for a moment, "I wish you hadn't done it. I wish you had just told me. I would have understood, I would have promised to love you." He chuckled darkly at her sincere words.

"It wouldn't have been fair because I didn't deserve your love after that night in December that I learned I had to go back to Vocal Adrenaline. If I could go back, like I have so many times in mind, and tell them to fuck off, I would, Rachel. You have to believe me on that." He spoke forcefully.

"You can ask Shelby, I never wanted to hurt you. I just wish I could have realized how special you were then. How much my life would be missing without you. How much Broadway would feel like a distant, cold, and lonely planet with out you next to me taking the stage by storm. The way things were supposed to be." She had two tears on her cheeks, tainted pink from the cold wind blowing against her face.

He felt his heart clench at the sight of her tears because when he had walked away from her, she had worn the same expression. She was crying now, full fledged, and he wanted nothing more to never see her cry again. He looked at her, and reached out his fingers to stroke her face, and she rested her face into his touch.

_'I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right,  
And how you held me in your arms that September night,  
The first time you ever saw me cry.  
Maybe this is wishful thinking,  
Probably mindless dreaming  
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.  
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't  
So if the chain is on your door, I understand'_

"I miss everything about you, Rachel." He said truthfully, as he stroked her cheek with his warm fingers, sadness playing upon every key in his heart. Her tears were running down his fingers as she curled into him.

"I missed the way you smile when you're happy to see me, I miss how you looked at me." She looked up at him, and stroked his face with one finger and he could still see the tear drops that were interwoven with her eyes lashes.

"I miss that night, our first date, the last day of September. The way you held me as we sat watching that outdoor play." She said gently, "Everything was so perfect then, I couldn't remember a happier night, and all I wanted was for you to never let me loose again. I wanted to love you forever, you know." Her tears had stopped flowing, but her face was still splotchy, but somehow she was more beautiful than ever.

"No one has ever been more caring about me than the night you stayed up with me because my uncle was in that car accident." He said, smiling gently against her fingers. "That was the first time I saw you cry," she said with a smile, "who knew the great, soulless Jesse St. James could cry?" He grinned at her.

"Rachel," He began carefully, not wanting to completely ruin this moment because if anyone could mess it up, it would be him. "I want you to know why I called you yesterday out of the blue and asked you to meet me." She gave him her wide, doe eyed expression of confusion and curiosity.

"I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, but I also wanted to ask you to forgive me." He said, a nervous tone entering his voice as he looked down at the vulnerable girl in front of him. "I understand if you won't and you don't want anything to do with me, but I had to try. I had to let you know that I did love you, and if I had the chance to love you again, I would make all your dreams come true." He said quickly, with one breath, "if I could love you again, I _would_ love you forever."

She sat up, her tears dried on her cheeks where wet streaks still sparkled in the half light of that cold afternoon. She had curious expression on her face and he couldn't read it, because this was Rachel Berry and she was very unpredictable when she wanted to be. He cupped his face with both hands.

"Do you mean that, Jesse?" She asks in that breathless tone that sort of makes him wish he could melt into a puddle. "Really mean it?" Her voice quivers as she looks into his deep eyes and he suddenly realizes how much he wants to love her again.

"With every single musical note in my body." He speaks gently, his own hands finding their way on top of hers, feeling the cold tips in his warm palms as she then does something very unexpected but not unwanted.

At first he thinks he must be dreaming about her lips being on top of his. That perfect pink mouth isn't mashed against his, filling him with a feeling he hasn't felt in nearly five years. Then he realizes that this is real, which makes him kind of want to freak out, but he thinks that probably wouldn't impress her. Instead he forgets to breathe and he's pretty sure she does too because when they finally break apart they're both panting.

"I forgive you." she breathes into his hair and he feels like his entire body really has been turned into jelly because when he looks at her he can't help it when the ill timed, "I love you," slips out from between his lips.

"I know," she says with a small smile, her fingers lacing themselves with his, "because I love you too, and I have since I was sixteen years old." She spoke, the cold air causing mist to emit from her mouth.

He didn't need any other reason, like he had needed one to begin with, to kiss her again. This time he was going to do it right, he was going to love her the way she deserved. It didn't hurt that their anniversary would always fall in December because it meant he could go back to fond memories now. Memories of being fully in love with Rachel Berry.

'_I go back to December all the time_'


End file.
